What Not to Say to Someone Who Is Grieving

What not to say to someone who is grieving matters more than we sometimes realize. When someone is grieving, words carry weight — and the wrong ones, even with good intentions, can deepen their pain.

It’s natural to want to offer comfort, but some of the phrases we reach for can come across as dismissive, rushed, or emotionally tone-deaf.

If you’ve ever worried about saying the wrong thing, this guide on what not to say to someone who is grieving is for you.

You’ll learn what not to say, why these common phrases can cause harm, and how to offer genuine support instead.

“They’re in a better place.”

This may be meant as a comforting thought, especially if your belief system includes an afterlife.

But for someone who is grieving, it can feel like you’re brushing past their pain.

Instead of offering this type of spiritual reassurance, focus on acknowledging the loss: “I’m so sorry you’re going through this.”

“At least they lived a long life.”

Minimizing a person’s grief by pointing out the positives rarely helps. Even if the person was elderly, their death still leaves a hole in someone’s heart.

Try saying, “It’s so hard to say goodbye, no matter how long we’ve had someone.”

“Everything happens for a reason.”

This phrase is often said to try and make sense of loss, but it can come across as insensitive — especially in the early days of grief.

Grief doesn’t need a reason. It needs space, patience, and compassion.

A better alternative? Simply sit with them in their sorrow and say, “I’m here for you.”

“I know how you feel.”

Even if you’ve been through a similar loss, everyone’s grief is personal. Saying “I know how you feel” can unintentionally shift the focus onto your experience instead of theirs.

Try saying, “I can’t imagine exactly what you’re feeling, but I’m here to listen.”

“Be strong.”

Grievers don’t need to be strong — they need to be allowed to feel. Telling someone to be strong can suggest that their emotional expressions are inappropriate.

Instead, let them cry, vent, or sit in silence. Try saying, “You don’t have to have it all together right now.”

“Let me know if you need anything.”

This one is incredibly common — and well-meaning — but it puts the burden of asking for help back on the grieving person.

Try offering specific support instead: “I’d love to bring dinner this week. Would Tuesday or Thursday work?”

“Time heals all wounds.”

While time does bring some comfort, this phrase can make someone feel like they should be on a certain timeline for their grief. It can also feel dismissive of the pain they’re in now.

Instead, try saying, “Take all the time you need — I’m here whenever you want to talk.”

“They wouldn’t want you to be sad.”

This sounds like it’s meant to ease the sadness — but it often has the opposite effect. Grieving is a natural part of losing someone, and feeling sad doesn’t mean someone isn’t honoring their loved one.

Try saying, “It’s okay to miss them and feel whatever you’re feeling.”

What to Say Instead: Real Comfort for Someone Who Is Grieving

Now that you know what not to say to someone who is grieving, here are some ways to offer genuine support instead.

• Listen more than you speak. Just being present — without needing to fill the silence — is powerful.
• Say their loved one’s name. “I’ve been thinking about [name] so much lately.”
• Share memories. A simple story or memory shows that their loved one left a mark.
• Check in later. Grief doesn’t end after the funeral. Reaching out weeks or months later matters.

Final Thoughts

It’s easy to say the wrong thing when someone is grieving. That’s why understanding what not to say to someone who is grieving can make a meaningful difference. Avoiding these common phrases helps create space for real connection and healing.

You don’t have to fix their pain. Just be a kind, steady presence. That’s more than enough.