How to Offer Condolences Without Saying the Wrong Thing

Knowing how to offer condolences can feel overwhelming. You want to be supportive, but you’re worried about saying the wrong thing — or worse, making things harder for someone already in pain.

Grief is deeply personal, and there’s no one-size-fits-all way to respond. But there are ways to show up with compassion, kindness, and authenticity.

Let’s talk about how to offer condolences that truly help — and avoid the common missteps that sometimes make things worse.

How I’d Explain It to Someone Who’s Tired and Stressed
You don’t need to have the perfect words. Just saying “I’m here” or “I’ve been thinking about you” can mean a lot. Most people won’t remember exactly what you said — they’ll remember that you said something and didn’t disappear.

Why Offering Condolences Can Feel So Hard

We’re not always taught what to do when someone is grieving. In fact, many of us freeze up, default to clichés, or stay silent because we don’t know what to say.

It’s natural to want to “make it better,” but the truth is — nothing you say will take away the pain. What you can do is offer your presence and your care.

Just showing up (even imperfectly) often means more than you realize.

How to Offer Condolences That Actually Help

Here are some meaningful, simple ways to offer condolences without adding pressure or discomfort to the person who is grieving:

• Say something, even if it feels awkward. It’s okay to admit you don’t have the perfect words. “I’m so sorry for your loss” or “I’m thinking of you” can be powerful in their simplicity.
• Be sincere and specific. If you knew the person who passed, share a brief memory. “I’ll always remember the way she made everyone feel welcome.”
• Offer practical support. Instead of saying “Let me know if you need anything,” try: “I’m bringing you dinner Wednesday — does soup or casserole sound better?”
• Use their loved one’s name. Saying the name of the person who died acknowledges their life and honors their memory.
• Keep checking in. Grief lasts longer than a few days. Continue to reach out in the weeks or months that follow.

What Not to Say When Someone Is Grieving

Even with the best intentions, certain phrases can unintentionally minimize someone’s grief. Here are a few to avoid — and what to say instead:

• “They’re in a better place.”
  This can feel dismissive to someone who is hurting. Instead, say, “I know how deeply you loved them.”
• “At least they’re not suffering.”
  While that may be true, it doesn’t ease the loss. Try, “It’s okay to feel heartbroken — they meant so much.”
• “Everything happens for a reason.”
  This may come off as minimizing. It’s better to say, “I wish I had the right words, but I’m here for you.”
• “Be strong.”
  Grieving people don’t need strength — they need space. Say instead, “You don’t have to be okay right now.”

Nonverbal Ways to Show Support

Sometimes the most comforting support doesn’t involve words at all. Your presence can be more powerful than any statement. Here are a few nonverbal ways to show your care:

• Sit quietly with them — no pressure to talk.
• Drop off a handwritten card or their favorite snack.
• Send a text saying, “Thinking of you today.”
• Offer a gentle hug or simply hold their hand if it feels appropriate.

These gestures help someone feel less alone, even if you don’t say a thing.

How to Offer Condolences in Different Situations

Condolences don’t have to follow a script. Tailor your approach depending on how close you are and what kind of loss someone is facing:

• To a close friend or family member: Be present, check in often, and offer direct help.
• To a coworker: Keep it brief and professional, but sincere. “I was so sorry to hear about your loss — thinking of you and your family.”
• In a card or message: Keep it heartfelt. A short note that acknowledges the loss and shares a memory is perfect.
• When you didn’t know the person who died: You can still express your sympathy and support for the grieving person. “I didn’t know your dad, but I know how much he meant to you. I’m so sorry.”

Following Up After the Funeral

Grief doesn’t disappear after the service. Often, the hardest days come in the weeks that follow. A follow-up message or visit can be incredibly meaningful.

Here are a few thoughtful ways to follow up after the funeral:

• Text or call just to say you’re thinking of them.
• Mark their calendar with the date of a holiday or birthday and check in then.
• Offer to grab coffee or take a walk together.
• Bring by a small care package or meal “just because.”

Wondering what not to say to someone who is grieving? Read: What Not to Say to Someone Who Is Grieving.

Final Thoughts on How to Offer Condolences

Learning how to offer condolences doesn’t mean having the perfect words — it means showing up with your heart open.

It’s okay to feel unsure. What matters most is being present, listening without judgment, and offering gentle support in whatever way feels right. The effort you make to acknowledge someone’s grief can leave a lasting impact.

If you’re not sure what to say, lead with empathy. If you don’t know what to do, lead with kindness. Just letting someone know you care can make all the difference.